Coldest Winter

The One With The First Day Back

I screwed up at work. I have no one to blame but myself. The things I'm passionate about I devour, but those I find tedious I avoid, until they cannot be ignored any longer. I think the only stretches where I ever get the busy-work done are the long nights, after 6PM is my time to tackle those things that have fallen off the radar - but by 6 I'm too exhausted to put my heart into it, and as my life gets fuller, the number of nights I spend after 6PM with time left-over for the menial stuff are few and far between. Instead I'm just holding things together. I always thought when I was in school that I would be good at work. Then I got to work, and for a while I was stuck in a little corner, doing well. Then I got a new job, a bigger job, and got stretched so thin that I burned out. Now I'm climbing back out, charred, and trying to remember what success felt like. Trying to figure out how the path before me can possibly lead to the hilltops I aspire to. The answer is either that I'm not a strong enough climber, which is one I refuse to accept. The alternative is the answer I've been avoiding: that I must forge my own path.

Viva La Vida

The One With Perfect Day, a Perfect Brownie

We spent the morning in a hotel room. A not-too-shabby little suite on the club level of the W Hotel - built on the part of Newark that pushes out into the San Francisco bay - where the gap between East & West narrows. We finally got out the door and into the car by 2PM, and set out on this sunny day  across the Dumbarton Bridge to Palo Alto. We walked down University Ave., admiring the beautiful whether and the beautiful area. So different from "my" University Ave. back in Berkeley, Palo Alto was California liberal, and yet also very yuppie. The streets were clean and the cars put my little bimmer to shame. We wandered around and settled on a little sidewalk bistro for brunch. Hungry, we over-ordered. Later, full, this giant brownie - our dessert - was still untouched, so we got it packed. We got back on the road, heading nowhere in particular, but in the general direction of San Francisco, and decided to find a beach to eat our brownie on.

This became more than a plan, it became a mission - to only eat the brownie once we were sitting on a beach somewhere, admiring the view. We called people, got directions, and struck out in a new direction toward Half Moon Bay. We drove for what felt like an hour, listening to whatever CDs she happenned to have, and eventually emerged onto a tiny road winding through the hills out to sea. We drove and drove, hit traffic - apparently some October Pumpkin Festival - and continued along. We came out on Half Moon Bay, and drove around. We missed the beach exits, doubled-back, turned-off, and find ourselves coming up on a giant building - beautiful - which turned out to be the Ritz Carelton Half Moon Bay. We parked, walked out past the hotel to the cliffs overlooking the beach. It felt like something out of Rebecca or Gatsby. We finally found a passage leading from the cliffs down to the beach below. When we got to the bottom, shoes in hand, we walked along the beach, and found a rock to climb.

By this time it was 6PM, the tide was coming in, and the sun was setting. We found a perch on the rock, and watched the sunset, one arm around each other, the second with a forkful of brownie. When the sun had called it a day, so did we, and we drove back to San Francisco, where she deposited me at dinner, and said goodbye till next month.

Brighter than Sunshine

The One with A Turning Point

My life has changed fundamentally in the past month. I have, I think, come out the other side of some perosnal questioning, and become a lot more mature in my personal life as a result. In my professional life, I have come to some decisions, and had some decisions made for me, but ultimately it's all for the best and I now have a plan in place for the next year. I'm doing something I love. I have some great friends in my life. And there are a few new people that make me happy.

I've come full circle. I've found a roommate much like myself, but also the one who is going to challenge me to compete with him. I've finally embraced Seattle and am going to build something here. I'm on the edge of a precipice looking down. There's so much potential in every part of my life right now. Either I leap or  I learn to fly. I have only to push hard & see it all through.

Let the rain fall, I don't care.
I'm yours and suddenly your mine.

Hooch

The One with Music

Someone asked me for my top ten most meaningful songs. Went over ten pretty fast (also kinda threw in what it reminds me of):

1. baz lurhman - everybody's free to wear sunscreen - life. reflection. beauty.
2. paul van dyk - time of our lives - spring break soph yr
3. don henley - boys of summer - choir. high school lunch.
4. no doubt - artificial sweetener - meaningful. the constant smile. opening up in highschool.
5. Damien Rice - The Blowers Daughter - damaged relationships.
6. Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah - god. west wing.
7. Wayne Wonder - No Letting Go - relationships. love. dancing.
8. Brandy - Full Moon - beautiful. mom.
9. Cake - Short Skirt/Long Jacket - a vision for a girl.
10. Alisha Chinoy - Pyaar Aaya - losing indus.
11. Bryan Adams - Everything I Do - first crush. 5th grade. robin hood i saw with mom.
12. Semisonic - Secret Smile - highschool choir. all sing semisonic together. quiet song. seema. prianna.
13. Everlast - What It's Like - sad.
14. Everything - Hooch - highschool.  napa.
15. Nancy Sinatra - Bang Bang - mom.
16. Dean Martin - Mambo Italiano - mom.
17. Jimmy Eat World - The Middle - jen. senior year.
18. Michael Jackson - Heal the World - elementary School in Jakarta.
19. Alladin - Whole New World - singing up in Rishi's common room at Gaia. What girls want.
20. Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Otherside - walking Nina home w/ Tanay, singing freshmen yr. Peeing on the Haas statue.

These Boots Were Made for Walking

The One With An Aborted Move

I've been entertaining the idea of moving to San Francisco forever - ever since I left. I finally made a decision to find out if I even could last week. I brought it up in my weekly one-on-one discussion with my manager. She overwhelmingly supported the idea. She told me to put it in writing and she would circulate and investigate what needed to be done to get me office space in our SF offices. I thanked her, finished out the day, and went home still mulling if this was really something I wanted to do. I was conflicted: on the one hand, I felt that life in general would just be happier in SF. On the other hand, I would be uprooting and leaving behind a whole new circle of friends in Seattle - especially Anurag and Sarika who I think of as family. I got home and started to unwind. I texted the usual suspects to see what was going on that night. Nothing. Everyone was non-responsive or just planned on staying home. I figured I would round up some folks as usual. But then party o'clock came and went and nothing happenned. And around 11:45 at night I sat down in front of my computer and without hesitation typed up the email to my manager about moving to San Francisco - putting it in writing and making it real.

I continued to waver in my resolve, debating the pros and cons all weekend with any of my friends who would listen. Saturday afternoon walking around on the beautiful sunny day I told Rachel about my conflicting thoughts as we walked around downtown and the sculpture park. Saturday night Ankita invited me to go to a charity art auction. It was the most fun I'd had in Seattle in months. There was a live band. The auctioneer was a rapper. The art was really interesting. One piece was a diorama with little candles inside and it caught on fire in the middle of the auction. The wine was served in plastic cups with a suggested donation of $2 to charity - and eight dollar later we were drunk. But it was as I was being presented with reason after reason to stay: friends like Rachel, days like that day, nights like that night.

But then Monday I talked with Ankita about helping her non-profit fundraise in the future. The conversation was awkward and even as I suggested ideas I could help her with, I wondered if I would stick around Seattle long enough to see them through. I spent that night hanging out with the usual suspects plus Sapna (who had recently moved from Seattle down to SF and was up visiting for the day), I suddenly felt distant from these people I thought of as my friends. Like there was a barrier betwen me and them because I wasn't going to be around much longer. It was as though the world was presenting me with reasons to leave.

Today my manager and I had a meeting on the Student Partner Program which I manage, but an hour before the meeting she changed the agenda to add the San Francisco move. I should have known this wouldn't be good news. We had a long discussion on the Student Partner Program and then, subconsciously wanting to avoid getting to the SF conversation a few moments longer, I changed the subject and spent another ten minutes talking about something else. Then there was nothing left to talk about. She brought up the proposed move, and told me she'd had a long conversation with Suzanne - our General Manager - and they had both agreed that for the student lifestyle marketing manager role it was absolutely critical that the person be in Redmond. She said that so much of it was about working with other groups that the face to face was a huge asset. Which is interesting because I was never encouraged to form these partnerships across product groups - it was almost a side project when it started - and now it's apparently an integral part of the role.

At least my vacillating is over. The power to make this choice for myself has been taken out of my hands. I will live in Seattle as long as I work for Microsoft. But one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

::cue music::